FOR ADEBAYO.

These past few weeks have been a blur. I’ve moved from a place of extreme sadness, anxiety to a place of unexplainable peace. I didn’t realize how much of a bad place I was at, till my network provider sent me a text congratulating me on my ability to now borrow credit and pay back later and I found myself writing a mail in response, that I do not need their congratulations on my abilities to become a potential debtor. I, for some reason thought the text was a personal attack on me.
Let’s just say my emotions have been all over the place. A doctor friend of mine says I’m suffering from PMDDS (this is why I never tell young doctor friends my problems over bbm.) Must every emotion a woman experience be period related? Biko channel your inner Donald Trump somewhere else.Whatever happened to saying eeya, pele do you want ice-cream?

Grandma died a few weeks ago but that’s not why I’ve been tilting towards depression, I didn’t even cry. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to, the tears just didn’t come. I sat there looking from face to face as everyone wept. I’ll miss her, no doubt but grandma had been old for as long as I can remember, when I was born she was already old. Wasn’t she old enough to die?

The only thing on my mind was all the times she called me and asked “egbon e nko”(How is your brother?) and I lied that you were fine. Those days I listened to her complain about how unusual it was that you hadn’t called her in months as I sat silently crying on the other end of the phone.

Now she knows our well-guarded secret, the one thing no one told her. Adebayo died.Her son died.

Were you surprised when you saw him grandma? Did you think shoot I’m in the wrong place, did he come running towards you with his arms wide open, did he just walk by with no clue as to who you are/were or did you just silently fall in line behind the others flapping your wings/hands/over-sized white robe like they do in the movies, saying nothing.

I miss him a lot you see.

Grandma, when you were ill and everyone was scared you might pass, all I wanted to do was tell you the truth.You see, I wanted to tell some things to you so you could tell him if your paths ever crossed. ‘cos I’m not sure the dead sees what goes on here.

I wanted him to know that I forgave him, for that which we never spoke about. That even though he never apologized I know he was sorry. Even though I never said it I forgave him.
I wanted him to know it’s not the same without him. That every road reminds me of him, that my seat belt is the first thing I use in the car even though he isn’t here to give me his safety first lectures. That his parking space is still here and nobody parks there by default, that every time I pass that road in my mind’s eye I see his body on the ground.

Grandma I wanted you to tell him I miss our long talks, our fights, all our “don’t tell anybody conversations”. I miss how he ignored me when he was upset, how he was always on time, geez the annoying way he honked the horn till I came out, then say you can’t do makeup in my car, after rushing me 🙄.

Every time I think I’m moving past it something happens and I’m pulled right back to that Saturday morning in October. The other day I saw a young man learning to drive, I remembered on that very road he once learnt. Daddy sitting beside him with me in the back seat screaming “I don’t want to die”, daddy had to take over and he was so mad at me. Even after so many years had passed he refused to teach me how to drive ‘cos “he didn’t want to die too”

Sometimes, I wish someone had gifted me with the same ignorance they did you grandma. Dealing with this knowledge is hard.

I’m still here waiting for time to work its magic and heal me. Like time can stop me from hearing his voice from my sleep telling the dog sit…stand ……good boy.